Thought about giving up

So, I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't written in some time. I thought about giving up on this blog, because I certainly wasn't using it. I had been keeping up with exercising a few times a week most weeks, sometimes no days on other weeks, but I wasn't telling you about it. I don't really know why. I was feeling a bit like a chicken with it's head cut off, running around all over the place, feeling no sense of accomplishment for a month or so.

Then I started feeling super fat, chubby, puffy, whatever you want to call it, and I didn't like that. I started thinking "what the hell are you doing to yourself Kellie? You look nothing like the person you feel like you are on the inside. It's really not that hard to get off your butt, not be influenced by the world around you, and just exercise already!" I lost 2 grandparents to congestive heart failure, 1 grandparent full of stints and a replaced valve, I have diabetes coming at me from both of my parent's families, I'm kinda scared of anesthesia and not being able to come out of it. (because lets face it, the heart stuff almost always leads to surgery) I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm scared of having heart and blood sugar issues, and I'm scared of being taken down by those things as I get older. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and be a good example for my kids, and the thought of looking cute in ALL of my clothes is a nice bonus.

So here I am, back to posting... back to regular workouts not a couple times but FIVE times a week. I set myself a goal this week of doing some kind of exercise every day, and taking the weekend off unless I get the urge to do something light like yoga or walking. I DID IT!! I kept my promise to myself, and I feel great! I'm even taking my vitamins! AND, I'm keeping a spreadsheet record of what I do on what day and of how hard or easy it was, so I can track my progress.

Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I did a tough workout... 3 different workouts to keep it interesting.
Tuesday and Thursday I did yoga workouts to keep it all balanced out. I thought it would help to keep me from feeling sore from the tough ones, and I was right. It all adds up to almost 3 hours this week, 30 to 40 minutes a day.

I'm not doing it to lose weight, I'm not doing it to fit into old clothes... I'm FINALLY being honest with myself and doing it for me, so I can feel good and feel healthy, and it turns out that that's the only real motivation I needed. The weight and the clothes are just a nice added bonus.

Hey, did you know it's fall?

So I failed to mention on my last post, about how yoga was my answer, that I've been doing yoga for 4 days straight. Yeah, I know... that's me on an exercise roll right there. So I can't just do yoga and get healthy, but it's a good start. Sometimes, (like today) I have other things that need to be done too. Laundry (blah), dishes (yuck), leaves... holy crap my yard is covered.

This is what my yard looks like today...

(I totally snaked this pic from the net, but it really is what my yard looks like.)

So I broke out the leaf blower and got busy moving them all (mostly) to the road. Now, I have to say that it's almost silly to be doing this smack in the middle of fall, but if I don't I'll be swimming in leaves by the time they all fall. So now my arms are kind of like jelly and I'm tired. Oh, and I didn't even get them all to the road. Stupid rain. hehe

yoga is my answer

Yoga is my answer to how I'm going to get my motivation back. It does a lot of things for me.

1. it makes me feel muscles I forgot I had.
2. it helps with my posture (which normally isn't so good).
3. it lowers my stress levels noticeably.
4. it reduces the amount of aches and pains my body seems to have acquired over the years. I don't crack and pop as much, and my back muscles don't ache so much either.
5. could it possibly be helping with my breathing issues? That's one I'll have to watch over the long term.
6. oh, lets not forget that it is also a peaceful time all to myself. :o)

So anyway, it feels good and it's a good way to ease myself back into enjoying exercise.

Yep, it's me again

So why is it so hard to just stick to what you want to do and ignore the lack of motivation all around you? I don't have an answer for this... obviously, or I would have posted long before now. I'm not good at keeping up with myself when I have to keep up with the rest of my family's lives. I'm going to try harder, because I am more important than that. I do love myself and do deserve the same attention I give to the rest of my family. They clearly can't function without me, so I better start doing better at taking care of me.

I'm getting back into doing yoga everyday. It's helps a lot with goofy little aches and pains, it tightens up my muscles, it reminds me of what good posture feels like, it even brightens my mood.

I'm making no promises to anyone, not even to myself. I'm just going to do things, share them with you, and use this blog to track myself and remind myself when it's been too long.

Little steps

I've been keeping busy lately, and forgetting to post. Sheesh, what's it going to take to keep my focused? hehe
Ok, so really I've been walking again lately. I thought starting small would be a good way to get myself back into exercise mode. I walked for 3 days straight, and on the third day actually spent some time in the pool for exercise. I took yesterday off, because I was sore. My sister got to go do some synchronized swimming, so of course she had to show me in our pool and have me try it with her. it was fun, but it made us sore. I forgot how nice it is to feel your muscles, I didn't even know I was missing that.

I still need to get out there and walk today, so I'm outta here for now.

Hurricane breeze

That hurricane breeze out there makes for nice walking weather. I took the kids out for a walk today after we picked Jordan up from school. Jax got a few more treasures for his treasure box, one of which was the biggest acorn I've ever seen...nearly the size of a golf ball.

See this... devil in a can, a plastic can. (seems even more devilish because of the environmental impact)

(truth is, this has been in the fridge for months and it's been that long since it was opened)

I'm tired, and have been sort of self destructing lately. Not in a real obvious way, but I've been snacking on junky foods instead of eating healthy meals, drinking sugary drinks instead of water... you get the idea. I just noticed this yesterday, and thought to myself "what the hell man? why are you doing this to your self? you know this is bad for you." All I can figure is that it's the inner fear of change that most of us have, even though change is exactly what I'm looking for. So I guess I'm fighting myself to fight myself. Sounds kind of stupid on paper.

fixing me

Ok, so here's the thing. I'm broken. I can't seem to consistently keep myself motivated. I'm going to jump out on a limb here and say it just might have something to do with the family heirloom of depression that I inherited. I've chosen to navigate through it for the last 15 years or so un-medicated, because the medication was far more disruptive and painful than the illness itself. In this struggle, I've had to teach myself to try to be happy every single day of my life. I've had to force myself to look at the bright side of things and not the assumptive bad side. It's been a good lesson, but I guess I was taking it for granted that I had it under control... because clearly I don't or I wouldn't be in such a slump right now.

The good news is that I think I am on my way up out of it finally... until it chooses to return, so I'm going to do my best to make the most of it. It's a tough battle, even when you know what to look for and how to find your way out. If you've never had to deal with it, you probably won't understand, but trust me in the fact that no one wants to feel this way. Stupid chemical imbalance. lol

I have to change my life, because this isn't working. I have to change a lot of things, but I'm going to start with organizing my life and making a schedule for myself to help keep me on track.

On a brighter note, I did get out and take the kids for a walk this afternoon. It was nice. A little hot, but there was a nice breeze and some smiles. Jax found a few more treasures for his treasure box... some green acorns and a handful of rocks. It really puts things into perspective when you see how excited a 4 yr old gets over one tiny little acorn.

So don't forget to notice the little things in your day, that most will overlook, and smile when you notice them. :o)